It may have taken two whole series and a fan backlash but public pressure finally sees Marvel replace Iron Fist with Baboon-Arsed Wank Gibbon, a new character first seen in Spiderman Number 121, “Bite My Face Off”
After throwing physics-defying missed punches in The Defenders and whinging his way through thirteen episodes of his own series Iron Fist, insipid ‘actor’ Finn Jones is stepping down.
The sorry looking English boy admitted “I fully recognise the fact that I cannot act and am delighted to announce that I’ll be passing the mantle of Iron Fist over to someone who can. That’s why we’re recasting a primate.”
And just like billionaire playboy Danny Rand, the new Iron Fist has some unresolved anger issues – the angrier he gets, the bigger his arse becomes. The more inflamed his arse becomes, the hornier he gets.
“It’s a vicious circle,” said the simian newcomer, before adding “I’m new to acting, I was rolling around in my own shit while Finn Jones was playing weak-assed shepherds in his school nativity play. I could do a better job in my sleep.”
The lesser known Marvel comic book character’s origin story also begins in the snowy mountains of K’un L’un, where he was trained by his mentor, Arse-Faced Wank Baboon who’s not only a monkey but also a monk.
Baboon-Arsed Wank Gibbon is no newbie to the Marvel coterie but, just like the other Defenders, his superpowers are limited but do include fire-fighting using his overworked, firetruck-red dick and the ability to fuck anything that moves with impunity.
Head writer Doug Petrie cited Jessica Jones’ own ass as his inspiration for the character, adding “He’ll fuck anything that’s not tied down… people, trees, buildings, statues, handbags, taxi cabs… the list is endless. There is literally nothing that Baboon-Arsed Wank Gibbon will not fuck.
“We’ll be keeping him away from the city’s zoos because if he ever sees a fellow wank gibbon, thousands of New Yorkers would die in the ensuing jizz tsunami. God forbid, if he ever saw a female Baboon-Arsed Wank Gibbon, we’d be calling in Tony Stark and the Avengers for The Battle of New York 2!”
The New Defenders?
Head of Marvel Television Studios, Jeff Loeb said “Casting Finn Jones as a superhero was my biggest mistake. Marvel Studios would like to apologise; the person responsible will be shot in the morning. Wait a minute… that’s me.
“We’re certain Baboon-Arsed Wank Gibbon will be more popular than Danny Rand… I mean, shit, yo! A dose of herpes would be more popular than that low-down Finn Jones muthafucka. We’re giving the people what they want.”
The brand new character lines up alongside Jessica Jones, Matt Murdock’s Daredevil and inside Luke Cage to rid Hell’s Kitchen of crime. There’s no news yet on an Avengers / Baboon-Arsed Wank Gibbon crossover but if the spunky new character proves popular, who’s to say the rest of the cast won’t also be passing on the baton to similar simian-based furry friends.
Baboon-Arsed Wank Gibbon is filming in New York now but will be avoiding The Bronx, Central Park, Staten Island and anywhere else where there are zoos.