With season 10 of the new era of Doctor Who underway, it was never going to be long until the rumor-mill started spinning.

It’s been known for some time that Peter Capaldi is leaving but this begs two huge questions. Firstly when will he leave and, more importantly, who will he regenerate into?

Capaldi’s Twelfth Doctor (not counting John Hurt’s 90-minute 2013 outing) is leaving either at the end of this season, or after the 2017 Christmas Special. I’m not sure a Christmas episode will feel that “special” with a brand new Doctor we’ve met for thirty seconds and has probably ony uttered the word “Teeth!”

Imagine millions of kids around the world (well, okay British 40-year-old men and four Americans) crying out “Who’s that again?” over their roast turkey and brussels sprouts. Or meatloaf and Budweiser-and-porn-flavor NFL ice cream in America.

One of the biggest gusts of wind that set the rumor-mills sails turning was the news that Kris Marshall was leaving Death in Paradise after eighty nine seasons.

kris marshall death in paradise

Two and Two always equalling four, this spells he must be the next Doctor, right?

Hailing from the same city in Somerset, I guess I should be championing his cause, and apart from being arrested for being found pissed slumped over the wheel of his Jag in our hometown’s Tesco car park (though admittedly he wasn’t driving it and I’ve done stupier things in that town) I’m sure he’s a nice enough guy… it’s just I’ve always found his acting and personality a bit… wooden.

Maybe that’s why he earned the nickname “Spade” from mutual friends at rival Wells Cathedral School. On second thoughts, it being a boarding school, the nickname was more likely spawned by an irregularly-shaped, hammerhead penis. Maybe it will show up as a Doctor Who villain?

Kris Marshall Doctor Who 12 doctors

Subconciously, I always thought The Doctor got younger with each regeneration until Capaldi took over from Matt Smith aged 32. So, at 44, Marshall is a step back in the right direction – at least he won’t need any cringeworthy grandad guitar-playing scenes to try and seem youthful.

While having heaps of charisma and being a damned-fine actor, Capaldi’spersonality  and autumn years just weren’t right for 21st Centruy Doctor Who, and I’m afraid Marshall won’t have the acting chops or enigmatic charm either.

I haven’t seen Death in Paradise and only really know My Family and those BT adverts, but his aloofness doesn’t exactly spell 900-year-old, universe-hopping, infinitely wise Time Lord. But, go on Kris-with-a-K-and-no-H; prove me wrong.

I guess we were spoilt after this:

You see, 60-year-old grandad actors playing guitars just aren’t cool.

Fezzes are cool. Stetsons are cool. Beds with ladders are cool. Matt Smith is cool.

Some people were born to play The Doctor, I fear “Spade” is not one of them.

My choice would be Steven Mackintosh.