Today, CBS finally, boldly released a trailer for Star Trek Discovery and what the actual fuck? It looks like a fan-made fake trailer.

Inexplicably emblazoned with the Netflix logo (well, they do label other producer’s shows “Netflix Originals”) the Star Trek Discovery trailer begins with a hugely misjudged rock power ballad and silvery letters exclaiming

“TEN YEARS BEFORE KIRK. TEN YEARS BEFORE SPOCK.
TEN YEARS BEFORE THE ENTERPRISE… THERE WAS DISCOVERY.”

before dissolving to an origin story in which a patriarchal Vulcan admonishes young First Officer Michael Burnham (Sonequa MartinGreen) for being too human.

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This trope may have worked when Sarek was saying it to a half-human, half-Vulcan Spock, but it doesn’t work to a human… and even if she turns out to be part-Vulcan it’s already an overused and tired cliché.

Two opening shots from the trailer for a multi-million dollar re-imagining of the world’s most beloved sci-fi TV franchise – have you ever seen a more obviously chroma-keyed couple of shots? The kid’s skin tone is so beautifully even it had me asking “Where is this kid supposed to be standing?” Does the script read:

INT. STUDIO. DAY
Six-year-old human (raised by Wolves, Romulus and Remus, Vulcans) Michael Burnham stands in front of a green screen.

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And why the hell are there GIANT SUBTITLES for someone speaking English?

And another thing! What’s with the costume? My mum could have made a more convincing Vulcan wardrobe out of cake icing.

For a series that already took a hell of a lot of flack for shoddy graphics in another teaser and a series which has been delayed and one in which the showrunner walked, you’d think they’d want to make it look good but even new Captain Michelle Yeoh looks green screened while sitting on her own bridge.

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Maybe Bryan Fuller walked because he didn’t want his name attached? Maybe CBS wanted fan-made Star Trek Axanar out of the way because it puts this crock of shit to shame.

The Star Trek Discovery Trailer goes on to show the usual suspects, introducing the obligatory psychic alien crew member and a new look for The Klingons.

What we’re seeing better not be picture locked, because after The Force Awakens and Rogue One fixed George Lucas’ over-reliance on CGI for the awful Star Wars Prequels, this looks like a step backwards.

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Yet, somehow worse than all this, my main concern is the fact that none of it, not a single shot, frame nor emotional beat FEELS like Star Trek. 

Akiva Goldsman you zenith of movie-making, you have until autumn to save Star Trek Discovery.

Turns out this was a fan-made trailer after all… for an update, click here