Game of Thrones’ Spoils of War contained a battle that fans oare calling the best yet. Admittedly, it was stunning and had everything, burning men, more burning men and dragons and… impossible geography.

If you know anything about me at all, you’ll know I hate Game of Thrones. I see its fans as naive children blindly following a pied piper’s trickster melody.

Yet, for the most part, this battle was excellently staged so I do feel a little bad for calling the show out on minor mistakes but that’s the role of couchpotato – to turn you into better writers, directors, editors and television afficioanados. If I don’t point these things out, no one else is going to…

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The battle started impressively with Bronn, Jaime Lannister and their men impossibly outnumbered by a fearsome Dothraki cavalry. Things were looking bleak for the Lannister army.

Then, in a fist pumping moment (even for this non-fan!) Daenerys turned up riding one of her dragons and the army’s chances went from bleak to fucked in the flap of a wing.

Platoons of archers tried, in vain, to bring the dragon down but were barbecued in seconds. I had no idea who’s side I was meant to be on, but this was ace!

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There followed a tense, high-octane ten minute sequence in which the dragon and its fire nono-decimated (that’s my new word for wiping out 90%, not 10%) the Lannister army. There was a slight misstep when the pace and mood inexplicably changed when Bronn took it upon himself to get to the dragon-killing crossbow.

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It was mean to be Act Two of the battle – the quiet moment which I call “not banging the gong” when Bron was lost in the fog of war but the music and pace of the editing lost the urgency of the battle before Bronn became dazed and confused amongst the battlefield smoke and when he was on the mission, riding fast to get to the dragon-killing contraption.

Anyway,  a couple of clunky edits and controlled chaos shots I’d have chosen differently but so far, so good.

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Bronn shot the dragon out of the sky on only his second attempt and, after a tumble, the beast and its rider came to rest at the side of a lake. Daenerys dismounted to try to pull the giant arrow from the injured dragon’s neck and from afar, Jamie Lannister saw his chance…

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He rides across the battlefield, spear at the ready only for the dragon to turn at the last second and shoot a giant spout of flame at him. Luckily, someone (presumably Bronn) rugby tackled Jaime away from certain death and into the water where the sank, and sank, and sank to the bottom of the lake.

There’s just one small problem – if you didn’t spot it from the above two paragraphs, here’s the whole ten minute battle (before Youtube takes it down!)


Yes, this may be nitpicky of me, but Daenerys and her dragon were at the edge of the lake and they’ve shown us not ten seconds before how deep the water is from the horse running through it – Bronn tackles Jaime into the lake  and they sink at least twenty or thirty feet.

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Thing is, my young padawan writers, that’s not how lakes work – they start off shallow and get deeper towards the middle.

Jaime and Bronn would have landed in one to three feet of water but the writers needed an “Is Jamie Lannister dead?” cliffhanger so they changed the rules of physics to suit.

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I’m sure I’m not the only one to notice – I’m sure you did too, but your brain maybe chose to overlook it and that’s why I’m here.

If you need to create a scene change the geography of your world around it to suit, not the laws of physics. After all, its your world and you can do what you want with it. But nowhere (unless you’ve specifcally shown that universal laws don’t apply to lakes in your world!)

In summary: When writing a scene, if you need a character to sink to the bottom of a lake add a canyon and a cliff edge. That is all. 

Game of Thrones continues Sunday, 13th August on HBO (if they don’t lose it)