Happy Days invented it when Fonzie waterskiied over a shark. Dallas managed it when a whole season, including Bobby Ewing’s murder was revealed to be a dream… I am, of course, talking about the one TV phrase that strikes fear into every writer, producer and boardmember – “Jumping the Shark”

I thought it would be next to impossible for HBO’s Game of Thrones to plumb deeper depths but here’s Glastonbury Festival’s most hated headliner Ed Sheeran, singing a song and playing a wandering minstrel in Westeros.

As cameos go, this is the worst kind imaginable. It was distracting enough to pull me out of the GoT world and I don’t even watch the show. Worse, I barely know who Ed Sheeran is. If celebrity cameos are a justifiable thing (they are not) then they need to be handled with guile, not as subtly as a two-handed broadsword-up-your-jacksie for the “Oh, look everyone! Ladies and Gentleman – It’s only Ed bloody Sheeran!” money shot.

Reveals are the reserve of huge, game-changing moments, of which I’m sure this show has plenty. If this risible cameo itself wasn’t enough, the way it was revealed is certainly further evidence that the people who make this show don’t have a clue what they are doing.

The whole scene was meaningless and only cooked up to incorporate this ill-advised cameo. Ed’s seemingly a huge fan. So what? Daniel Craig is a huge Star Wars fan and they stuck James Bond in a stormtrooper outfit. Simon Pegg was also unrecognizable in The Force Awakens. 

Anyone who’s met me knows I can’t take Game of Thrones seriously as this shit-storm has not been adapted from novel to television in any way, shape or form, but last night’s ep even had Thrones’ fans (Throners? Gamers? Boners?) in meltdown, venting spleen to the point that Ed Sheeran allegedly closed his Twitter account down.

 

What next, Peter Kay as a White Walker? David Beckham in King Arthur? Someone asking Donald Trump for directions to the restroom? Noddy Holder as a Lannister scarecrow? Chas ‘n Dave as court jesters? Fuck it, why not go the whole hog and have Chas ‘n Dave, John Virgo and Ed Sheeran singing Yep, Yep, Rabbit, Rabbit After all, Ed was cooking up a coney as this wholly defunct scene rabbited on and more with more rabbit than Sainsbury’s.

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I keep asking myself what it is about this show that gets under my skin and then… when I watch it, I realise. In the above five minute scene I’ve just had to endure, not one of the actors in the scene can act!

In Sheeran’s defence, he delivers his lines with more realism than any of the other actors, except maybe Maisie but even then, her performance has more room for improvement than a dwarf’s cock in a fat whore’s cunnie hole.

There, have I finally mastered the Westeros lingo?

Game of Thrones continues next Sunday on HBO. I’ll try to make this my last post of the subject because, as Chas ‘n Dave would say “There ain’t no pleasing you.”